Stinkbutt Part Two
by Robert Nowall
Summary: Daria is the new intern at "NewsRadio"


****

STINKBUTT PART TWO

by

Robert Nowall

ONE SENTENCE SUMMARY: A Daria/NewsRadio crossover parody...or is it a NewsRadio/Daria crossover parody?

SENSIBLE ONE SENTENCE SUMMARY: A new intern comes to WNYX; meanwhile, Matthew is posting fan fiction on the 'Net.

REGULAR CAST:

DAVE NELSON, news director of WNYX, ringmaster of the circus, the soul of patience.

LISA MILLER, ambitious reporter and Dave's sometimes love-interest.

MATTHEW BROCK, less-ambitious reporter, staff "klutz."

JOE GORELLI: staff repairman, conspiracy-theory buff.

BETH: street-savvy sarcastic secretary.

MAX LEWIS: on-air personality, professional lunatic.

JIMMY JAMES: always-present interfering billionaire owner of WNYX

SETS:

(1) The Lobby, the area where the gang come in and out, and where the elevators are.

(2) The Bullpen, where all the desk are, where the gang pretends to work, with The Booth right in the back.

(3) The Booth, where WNYX goes out over the air from, where the on-air talent spout nonsense and nobody pays attention.

(4) The Break Room, where lunches are sometimes eaten and the gang visit if they need a private moment that doesn't require a toilet.

(5) The Conference Table, where they meet in the mornings and pretend to lay out the day. 

(6) Dave's Office, where Dave calls people on the carpet and tries to get some work done.

Also seen in this episode: the ground floor lobby.

****

OPENING:

(CONFERENCE TABLE. MORNING)

(The usual gang is there. Dave Nelson, Lisa Miller, Matthew Brock, Joe Gorelli, Beth, and Max Lewis. Dave is standing and speaking.)

DAVE: ...I have a couple of things. (Looks at clipboard) I remind everybody that we will have a new intern joining us this morning, a Ms. Daria Morgendorffer.

(An outburst of chuckles from the staff)

JOE: Dude, where did you dig this one up?

BETH: Yeah, Dave, I mean, Morgendorffer?

DAVE: Now, guys...

MATTHEW: Dave, is this going to be another one of those times where we have to spend all day showing some yahoo how to do our jobs?

DAVE: Matthew, I wouldn't ask you to show anybody how you do your job.

(Matthew looks pleased with himself at this comment)

DAVE: Now, seriously. (Looks at clipboard) She comes from Lawndale.

MATTHEW: (laughs while speaking) Lawndale, where's Lawndale?

LISA: Somewhere in Connecticut, I think.

DAVE: Really? I thought it was California.

JOE: I thought it was in Texas, man.

DAVE: Well, when she gets here we can ask her. All I know is she's a high school student, she'll be here at ten, and she'll be interning here for a couple of weeks.

LISA: Dave...a high school student?

DAVE: She comes highly recommended.

BETH: So some just-out-of-diapers girl from the suburbs is going to come in and do our jobs? Oh, please, Dave, give us a break.

DAVE: Look, I wouldn't be so hard on this girl if I were you. Mr. James's office set this up.

JOE: Oh, if Mr. James set it up, then it's all right.

(Everybody mutters agreement.)

DAVE: (looks at Max) Max, you've been quiet. When someone makes fun of somebody, you usually you join right in.

MAX: I know what you're up to. I know what you're all up to. (Pause, as the others stare at him.) This is all a plot against me, isn't it?

LISA: Max!

MAX: (practically crying) You're bringing this girl in to replace me? Well, it won't work, I tell you! It---won't---work! (Puts face in hands and starts softly sobbing.)

DAVE: Bad morning?

LISA: Technical trouble. (Looks at Joe)

JOE: I *said* I would get to it.

DAVE: Ah well. (Pauses) Now, on a lighter note. Joe, Beth, since both of you have procrastinated on the WNYX ground floor lobby mural---

JOE: Procrastinated?

DAVE: Took too long.

JOE: I know what it means, dude.

DAVE: And you should be very proud of yourself. Either way, it's been too long. I am taking the matter out of your hands.

BETH: Oh, but Dave---

JOE: Dude, whoah!

DAVE: I can't let you leave that wall blank forever, and I remind both of you that your last serious attempt involved not only a graffiti-spray of a cat and the word "Stinkbutt," but also great humiliation to myself and the station..

BETH: But if you could just give us a few more days!

DAVE: ---you'll get another spray can? (Smiles) My mind is made up. (Pause) Anybody have anything else? (Looks around the table. Max is still sobbing into his hands.) Well, then, that's it! (Pause as Dave walks away, then walks back. Nobody has moved.) Well, at least pretend to work, if only to humor me. (The others mutter agreement and get up. Max is still sobbing.)

**(opening credits for "NewsRadio")**

(commercials)

PART ONE:

(BULLPEN. LATER.)

(Focus in on Matthew's desk. Matthew is hard at work on his computer terminal, typing something, concentrating intently. Dave walks by and glances at Matthew, then walks out of shot. A moment later, he walks back in and stares at Matthew.)

DAVE: Matthew?

MATTHEW: Huh? What?

DAVE: What are you doing?

MATTHEW: (stops, tries to turn the computer off, then tries to cover the computer with his upper body) Oh, nothing important.

DAVE: Does it have anything to do with your job?

MATTHEW: (grins with goofy guilt) I see you've found out my little secret.

DAVE: (grinning without humor) Can I see what you're doing?

MATTHEW: Uh, no, it's not finished yet.

DAVE: I really want to see what you're doing.

MATTHEW: No, I'd rather not.

DAVE: Matthew!

MATTHEW: It's private, Dave!

(Dave reaches over and rolls Matthew and his chair away from his desk)

DAVE: Joe!

(Joe lowers himself from the ceiling by rope. He reaches down and touches a couple of keys. The computer comes back on. Joe raises himself back up.)

DAVE: (looking up) Thanks, Joe!

JOE (O. S.): Don't mention it.

DAVE: (reading from screen) "...As Jason strode boldly across the campus, people turned their heads and stared. Jason Edmunds was a man to be stared at, a fine and full-blooded example of the Typical American Male, a Nordic Greek god, a soon-to-be-great-man, and a genius to boot."

(Dave looks at Matthew. Matthew blushes and grins.)

DAVE: Who is Jason Edmunds and why are you writing about him?

(Joe lowers himself from the ceiling again, and reads the screen.)

JOE: Dude. Jason Edmunds is one character in the Hallanburg High comic book series.

DAVE: Hallanburg High? (grins) Gee, I must have missed that one.

JOE: Too bad, it's pretty good. The artwork is good, the characters are well drawn, and it grips the reader from start to finish. (Pause) You can't go by the TV movie, though. That was a piece of garbage.

DAVE: I'll keep that in mind. Matthew, are you writing about this for us?

MATTHEW: Um...not really, Dave, no.

DAVE: Then what is it?

JOE: (still reading) It's Internet fan fiction, Dave.

DAVE: Oh! (Pause) Matthew, why are you writing Internet fan fiction?

MATTHEW: Because it's fun to do! I really, um, like Hallanburg High. I identify with Jason Edmunds.

DAVE: You identify with a, um, what did you call him?

MATTHEW: (starting to warm up to the topic) A genius, a soon-to-be-great man. He reminds me a lot of me.

JOE: You?

MATTHEW: I can see my life in his. It's as if, in some strange way, I *am* Jason Edmunds.

JOE: (still looking at the screen) Then why is there a character named Matthew in here?

(Dave looks again.)

DAVE: (reading) "Matthew had become Jason's best friend. They hadn't known each other long, only a few days, but it was as if they had known each other all their lives. You never saw one without the other. There were those who thought they had become gay lovers, but they didn't dignify that with a response."

(Dave and Joe look at each other. Joe shrugs and raises himself up again.)

DAVE: Just how long have you been doing this, Matthew?

MATTHEW: Oh, a couple of months, now. The stories just flowed out of me.

DAVE: Well, flow them out at home from now. Here, you're supposed to work.

(Dave walks off towards his office. Matthew shrugs, and goes back to work on his story.)

****

(DAVE'S OFFICE. LATER.)

(Dave comes into his office and sits down at his desk. Joe lowers himself from the ceiling again.)

JOE: Dude, don't you want to know why I'm doing this.

DAVE: (sighs) No, I'd rather not, not right now.

JOE: Okay. (Raises himself up again)

(Dave has only a few seconds to fiddle with his papers before Lisa comes in.)

LISA: Dave, about this new intern.

DAVE: Problem?

LISA: I mean, you aren't bringing her in as a scheme to replace Max, are you?

DAVE: Well, the thought had crossed my mind... (Pause) Lisa, I can't believe you took Max's ravings seriously. This girl will be here as an intern, and only for a couple of weeks. (Grins) I haven't even decided what she'll be doing yet.

LISA: You're not going to put her on the air, are you?

DAVE: Well, I just might.

(Just then a teenaged girl comes in. She's wearing a green jacket with a black skirt, and what looks like combat boots as footwear. She's got brownish hair and is wearing thick glasses. She's not smiling.)

GIRL: Excuse me? (The voice is a rigid, vaguely unpleasant monotone.)

DAVE: Yes, can we help you?

GIRL: I'm Daria Morgendorffer.

DAVE: (gets to his feet) Yes, we've been expecting you. (Comes over to her, holds out his hand.) Welcome to WNYX. Glad to have you aboard. I'm Dave Nelson, the news director, and this is one of our reporters, Lisa Miller.

(Daria takes his hand and shakes it. She also shakes Lisa's hand.)

DARIA: We'll see if you feel that way after I've been here for a few hours.

(Dave looks out the door, where Beth would have been sitting, but where she isn't right now. He then turns back to Daria.)

DAVE: Here, let me show you around. If you'll... (indicates with his arms that he wants her to step out. She does, and he follows. He glares back at Lisa, who's smiling.)

****

(BULLPEN. LATER.)

(Dave and Daria are just exiting the break room.)

DAVE: ...and that's where we keep our food and lunches and stuff.

DARIA: The refrigerator was a big hint.

(Dave points to the booth. We can see Max Lewis reading from a piece of paper, but can't hear him. He looks normal enough now.)

DAVE: And that's the booth, where the news goes out from here over the air. (Walks over to a speaker, and turns it up.) Let's listen in.

MAX: ...and the officers were unable to explain how the squad car came to be on the precinct roof. And now, a personal note. (Puts the paper down.) We at WNYX are proud to welcome our new intern, Ms. Daria Morgendorffer, aboard the team. Welcome and Bienvenue, Ms. Morgendorffer! (Looks at Daria and Dave, and gives a thumbs up.) You'll be hearing more from Ms. Morgendorffer over the coming days as she is gradually eased into my job and takes my place at WNYX and in your hearts. (Looks at Daria and Dave again. Dave makes a throat-slashing gesture.) But I digress. I'm sure it will all work out for the best, except maybe for me. In other news... (picks up the paper and begins to read again. Dave turns the speaker volume down.)

DAVE: Sorry about that. Max is just, he, uh...

DARIA: He's paranoid?

DAVE: I was going to say he has a strange sense of humor, but that about sums it up. (Pause) It's usually just for the day. Tomorrow he'll be, uh...

DARIA: Normal?

DAVE: (sighs) No, not that.

(Dave leads Daria to a momentarily empty desk in the front, near Matthew's.)

DAVE: Here, you'll use this when nobody else is using it. Um, what can you do?

DARIA: Oh, so many things that it would be hard put to pick just one.

DAVE: Your resumé says you can write.

DARIA: As well as I can speak.

DAVE: Lisa! (Lisa comes over.) Lisa. Let's get Daria some wire copy. You can show her how to rewrite it.

LISA: (smiling) Right away, Dave! (goes off)

DAVE: And don't gloat! (To Daria, who has sat down at the desk) Lisa will be back in a couple of minutes. Just wait here and she'll be back. I've got some work to do that just can't wait. Right?

DARIA: I'll be sitting right here until somebody gets back to me. Right.

DAVE: Oh, good, then you understand.

(Daria sits there. Behind her, Max, out of the booth, saunters up, smiling.)

MAX: Daria Morgendorffer, right?

DARIA: (turns around to look at him) Yes. You're...Max Lewis, right?

MAX: That's correct, Ms. Morgendorffer. And let me say that just because you have your foot in the door, doesn't mean you'll get any further in!

(Max turns and leaves just as Lisa comes back with a sheaf of papers.)

LISA: Oh, don't mind him, he's, um...

DARIA: Crazy?

(Lisa shrugs and puts the papers in front of Daria. She picks up a pencil and begins to show Daria what to do.)

LISA: Ordinarily you'd look at this on the computer, but it's easier for me if I do it this way.

DARIA: Really? You're not computer literate?

LISA: Of course I am. It's just easier this way.

DARIA: But if you can't handle a computer---

MATTHEW: (at his desk, appearing to work hard on something) She's always had that problem. It's sad when older people don't know how to work something.

BETH: (wandering up) Yeah, Lisa. You, like, need my help to use the phones again?

JOE: (lowers himself from the ceiling) Then there's the problem she has with the booth controls---

LISA: Look, all of you, I *know* how to use the computer.

BETH: Yeah, right. (She leaves. Matthew returns to his computer, and Joe raises himself up out of the shot.)

LISA: (to Daria) I *know* how to use the computer. Don't pay any attention to her.

DARIA: Whatever you say. Whatever makes you happy.

LISA: Are you trying to irritate me?

DARIA: I refuse to answer on the grounds I might incriminate myself.

LISA: Okay, if you're through jerking my chain, I'll show you how to do this. (Pause, bends over again) Now you take this wire copy, and rewrite it.

DARIA: Um, how much of it are you actually supposed to use?

LISA: (scribbling) You take it, you make any big words into small words, and you're done.

DARIA: Dumbing down? (Daria shakes her head.) I'm too smart to dumb it down.

LISA: You mean you're too rigid. (Daria looks at her. Lisa hands her the pencil.) Now you give it a try.

(Daria does so. After a couple of seconds, she hands it to Lisa.)

DARIA: I did the best I could.

LISA: (speaking one syllable at a time, unemotionally) This. Is. Good. (Pause) Really. Good. (more normal) But you're not using smaller words.

DARIA: I could call a "car" a "moving thing," but that's too many syllables in the wrong direction, isn't it?

LISA: Don't make fun. Take some more copy and try again.

****

(DAVE'S OFFICE. LATER.)

(Dave is working at his computer terminal when Jimmy James comes in. Dave stops what he's doing and gets to his feet.)

JIMMY: Siddown, siddown, go back to what you were doing.

DAVE: Oh, Mr. James, I didn't know you were here today.

JIMMY: I'm a man of mystery, Dave, I'm surprised you didn't know that by now. (Pause) I see Daria got in okay.

DAVE: Yes, I haven't had time to get to know her yet. (Pause) Where did you find her?

JIMMY: (looking over Dave's shoulder at his computer screen.) What? Oh, her father consults for me. I said I'd give her a chance.

DAVE: Well, connections make the world go around.

JIMMY: She might be a little sarcastic, but she's all right, really. (Pause) Son, what are you working on? (Reads off the screen) "The Respectfully Jason Worshipping Hallanburg High Fan Club Home Page."

DAVE: Sorry, sir, but I discovered this morning that Matthew has been writing and posting Internet fan fiction from the office.

JIMMY: Internet fan fiction? Really? (Grins, looks towards the office door.) I didn't think he was that clever.

DAVE: Yes, well...and he's been doing it for some time. (Punches a few buttons.) Here's what he's done.

JIMMY: (leans over and reads the titles) " 'The World of Jason.' 'Jason Saves a Life.' 'Jason Gets a Date.' 'Hallanburg High Versus the Cast of "Friends,"' 'Jason and Trisha.' 'Jason Meets Matthew.' 'Being Friends With Matthew,' 'Jason Sleeps Over at Matthew's.' 'Matthew at Hallanburg High.' 'Matthew and Trisha.' 'Matthew is Not Jason.' 'Jason and Matthew Double Date.' " (Pause) Umm.

DAVE: More or less my reaction, sir. (Pause) It's weirdly fascinating, sir. The whole Hallanburg High story, I mean. Not Matthew's stories. (Jimmy looks at him like he's gone crazy, but Dave doesn't catch it yet.) It's mesmerizing, even--- (finally looks at Jimmy and sees Jimmy's look) I mean, in a strange, twisted, completely extra-legal way.

JIMMY: He really likes this Jason person, doesn't he?

DAVE: Apparently he thinks he is Jason, sir.

JIMMY: (taps screen) Is that, uh, good-looking guy blond guy Jason?

DAVE: Um, no, I think it's supposed to be a picture of Matthew. But it does look like Jason.

JIMMY: Umm. So he's shoveling with both hands, is he?

DAVE: Yes, sir, that would be the case.

JIMMY: Well, as long as Matthew isn't actually, ah, dating this Jason, I'll try to keep an open mind about it. Keep me informed. (Pause, looks up) By the way, why is Joe monkeying around with the ceiling?

DAVE: (looking up, too) Uh, I really haven't asked him.

JOE (O. S.): Technical trouble, Mr. James!

DAVE: I think it has something to do with Max's raging paranoia, too.

JIMMY: I see. (shrugs) I suppose he can wear his paranoid hat for today. Just don't let him, um, have any more personal moments on the air. Well, I'll drop back in later. See ya! (walks out)

DAVE: (keeps his eyes on the screen) Always glad to see you, sir!

(No sooner does Jimmy leave than Lisa walks in. She's carrying some paper in her hand.)

LISA: Dave, can you tear yourself away from the Web long enough to look at this?

DAVE: Um...yes. (Takes the offered paper and begins to read aloud.) "Though the FDA approved this drug for human use, its use is still not recommended. Scattered reports of side effects such as heavy hair growth, howling at the moon, and an urgent need to obey local leash laws." (looks up) Um, who's the source on this?

LISA: Dave, it's this Daria. I give her copy to rewrite and this is the result. Everything comes back, uh...

DAVE: Sarcastic?

LISA: That's the word.

DAVE: Okay, so maybe rewriting news copy isn't for her. Maybe I should have her write Max's next commentary.

LISA: Really?

DAVE: Don't worry. I'll find something for her to do.

****

(BULLPEN. LATER.)

(Matthew is talking, leaning back in his chair as if lecturing a class. Daria has a phone almost to her ear, but gives the appearance of listening to Matthew.)

MATTHEW: ...so I see the core of Hallanburg High as the relationship between Jason and Trisha. They're friends and lovers. They break up. They date other people. They come back together and they're friends and lovers again.

DARIA: I see. (Pause) How did you get involved again?

MATTHEW: Well, I read the comics, of course, and I stumbled across a site where some of these were posted. I thought to myself, I can do this. It would be fun.

DARIA: But why have you put yourself in your stories? 

MATTHEW: Well, it's hard to put into words. I just like doing it, it feels so, so...natural. I--- (Leans back too far and falls out of his chair.)

DARIA: (turns away, talks into phone) You heard it, Jane. It's worse than Lawndale. (Pause, listens.) Well, so far, I've met a couple of raving lunatics, a jealous reporter, a fairly high-strung boss, and a guy who hangs from the ceiling by a rope. Several of them think I'm here to get them. (Pause, listens.) No, I don't know what he's doing up there, and I really don't want to ask. I---oops, gotta go. (Hangs up)

(Dave approaches.)

DAVE: Ms. Morgendorffer, I've decided to put you on something else.

DARIA: My lack of enthusiasm for rewriting poor news stories is showing?

DAVE: Well, that, and there's something else that needs to be done.

****

(GROUND FLOOR LOBBY. LATER.)

(A few people pass through this area. There are several large mural paintings visible on the walls, each in some way relating to a business in the building.

(Dave, Joe, Beth, and Daria are standing and looking at another wall. Because of the camera angle we can't see the wall, just them.)

DAVE: Here is where our WNYX mural is supposed to go up. We had one up earlier, but... (glares at Joe and Beth)

JOE: "Butt" only partially describes it, man.

DAVE: Well, for complex reasons I would just as soon not detail here, the original artwork was disapproved by the building board. In any case, I have a list of people who might be able to do the job. We need some artwork that---

DARIA: Excuse me. Did you say you need an artist for this?

DAVE: No, but...do you have someone in mind?

DARIA: I have a friend, Jane Lane. She's staying with me for a few days while I'm here in New York. She could do it.

DAVE: Your friend is an artist?

DARIA: She's really talented. (Pause) And she'd work cheap. (Pause again) I could call her and have her bring in some samples.

DAVE: Well, go ahead. I'd be happy to look at her work.

(Daria nods and leaves. Beth and Joe start to giggle.)

BETH: Aw, isn't that cute? High school girl knows an artist!

DAVE: Beth, Joe, I remind you that I gave you a chance to do this...and you remember the result.

JOE: "Stinkbutt," man. I remember.

(They look at the blank wall again.)

****

(BULLPEN. LATER.)

(Daria is at her desk, on the phone again. Matthew has resumed his seat.)

DARIA: Look, Jane, I know you need the money. You wouldn't be with me here this week if you weren't broke. (Pause, listens) Because who cares? Look, pry yourself out of whatever gallery you're in, go and grab your portfolio, and get down here! (Pause, listens) I'm glad you see it my way. If it doesn't work, we'll forget it and have lunch. (Pause, listens) Yes, I still want out of this.

****

(commercials)

****

PART TWO:

****

(DAVE'S OFFICE. AFTERNOON.)

(Dave is at his desk looking through a portfolio of artwork. Daria stands in front of his desk, and Jane stands next to her. Jane is a dark-haired, vaguely goth-looking girl dressed mostly in red and black and with three earrings in the one ear not covered by her hair. She's drawing something in a small sketchbook as the scene opens.)

DAVE: Yes, Ms. Lane, you certainly are a talented artist.

JANE: I've been told I can push the paint around.

DAVE: And you're willing to do this for a thousand dollar commission and expenses to be borne by us?

JANE: Hey, New York living is expensive, and I can only stretch Daria's money just so far.

DARIA: She's only along for the ride. Of course, she helps with the driving.

DAVE: Okay. (Leans back) Now what I'd like is a group portrait of the WNYX staff. I leave the actual execution of it up to you.

JANE: I'll have it done by the end of the day.

DAVE: No need to go that fast.

JANE: No, I can do it. Fast is better. (Stops scribbling and shows what she's done. It's a detailed and realistic portrait of Dave. Dave reacts with pleasure.) Now, I'll need to see the staff if I'm to draw them, too.

DAVE: We can give you a seat in the bullpen. Everybody's in today. Ms. Morgendorffer!

DARIA: Yes?

DAVE: Find Ms. Lane a place where she can observe the staff without getting in their way.

DARIA: I'll get right on it. (Nudges Jane. They leave. Max enters, and stares at them as they do.)

MAX: Lisa tells me you hired this Morgendorffer girl's friends to paint my portrait.

DAVE: Well, she'll be doing all of us.

MAX: Aha! I knew it! (Holds his index finger up in a pathetic attempt at a dramatic gesture.)

DAVE: Max, don't make this more difficult than it has to be, all right?

MAX: But don't you see? Every time my picture's take, it takes a little bit of my soul with it. (Pause, as Dave looks blankly at him) She's stealing my soul!

DAVE: Max, you're being, um...

MAX: Stupid?

DAVE: (pause) All right.

MAX: Stupid...like a fox! (Turns to leave, just as Jimmy comes in.) Mr. James! Where did you find that Morgendorffer girl?

JIMMY: Aw, I've got her mother's law firm on retainer. (Grins) She's a firecracker, isn't she?

MAX: (looks at both of them.) Scoff if you will, but I'll foil your evil plan, mark my words! (Turns and leaves.)

JIMMY: His flamboyant paranoia hasn't gotten the better of him today, has it?

DAVE: It only came up once in his broadcast so far.

JIMMY: Good, good. (Pause) I've been looking into this Matthew matter. I really want it stopped now. I don't want him writing any more Hallanburg High fan fiction.

DAVE: Well, I wouldn't mind if he did it at home, and not work---

JIMMY: No, no, it's gotta be stopped. Altogether. Have you read it?

DAVE: I glanced through a couple of them---

JIMMY: Well, it's just gotta be stopped. But don't worry. I'll take care of it myself.

DAVE: You will?

JIMMY: Why the surprise, son? (Stands straight, looks into the distance, and puts his hands on his belt.) I run a big, big, *big* corporation. I can handle one little, little, *little* (holds up one hand and makes the expected gesture with thumb and forefinger) problem with an employee.

DAVE: Even if that employee breaks down and cries, sir?

JIMMY: (looks uneasy) Um. Yeah. (Gets his confidence back) Now, Dave, you've got enough on your lunch tray right now. You've got to break Max down today, and get Daria on board. I'll handle Matthew.

DAVE: Well, thank you, sir.

JIMMY: Don't thank me. Thank Ellenglow. 'Cause of them, I have to handle it.

DAVE: Ellenglow?

JIMMY: Ellenglow, the owners of the Hallanburg High copyright. Ellenglow, part of the comic books division of FineArts Publishing, which is a wholly-owned subsidiary of SickSadWorldCorp, which is under the MultiMedia corporate banner, which is in turn a subsidiary of Jimmy James Incorporated.

DAVE: Mmm. I see. So you own Hallanburg High?

JIMMY: (shrugs) Near as I can tell. What did I just say?

****

(BULLPEN. LATER.)

(Lisa is sitting at her desk. Jane is sitting close to her, looking at her, and sketching something in a small sketchbook. Daria is standing behind Jane. Lisa is aware of her presence and is nervous.)

LISA: Can I help you?

JANE: Just go about your business as if I weren't here. (scribbles something)

LISA: But you're making me nervous looking at me like that!

JANE: Really? Because you're not making me nervous at all.

(Lisa hastily gets up and leaves. Jane continues sketching, and smiles. Max emerges from the booth and comes over.)

MAX: Ms. Morgendorffer!

(Daria nudges Jane, who stops sketching and listens.)

MAX: We may have hit it off on the wrong foot this morning. (Holds out hand) Let me introduce myself. Max Lewis, professional radio voice.

DARIA: (while shaking Max's hand) Daria Morgendorffer, amateur miracle worker. You sounded very professional this morning.

MAX: Just a touch of nerves, I assure you. I'm really all right. (Pause. Max smiles.) So...you're here as an intern.

DARIA: There was no way out of it.

MAX: Then you're *not* here to replace a certain WNYX on-air personality?

DARIA: No, I'm only here for a couple of weeks.

MAX: Well, we can't all be blessed with talent. (Looks Jane over, top to bottom. Jane stops drawing and glares back at him.) You! You have a sister named Summer, don't you?

JANE: Yes. Yes I do.

MAX: (grinning evilly) If you see her...tell her Max Lewis says...Hi! (Pause, while Daria and Jane look at him.) She'll know. Oh, yes, she'll know. (Turns his attention to Daria, looks her over, grins with blazing paranoia.) We'll talk later, Daria Morgendorffer. Yes. Most certainly, we will talk. (He leaves.)

JANE: (giggle in her voice) What was that about?

DARIA: Who knows? And who cares? With any luck we'll be out of here by the end of the day. (Daria walks off. Jane continues to sketch.)

(Pan over to Matthew's desk, where Matthew is hard at work on his computer---at God knows what. Jimmy comes up.)

JIMMY: Matthew!

(Matthew jerks as if he'd been struck by something.)

MATTHEW: Oh! Mr. James! I've been meaning to ask you. It was you who brought Daria to WNYX?

JIMMY: Hey, her history teacher is a buddy of mine from 'Nam.

MATTHEW: Well, she's easy enough to talk to, and smart as a whip, but just between you and me... (leans forward and whispers) she's just a...little high-strung.

JIMMY: Coming from you, I don't know what to make of that. (Pause) Matthew, I'm not talking to you to hear your voice. I have some important business to conduct with you. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a folded piece of paper. He hands this to Matthew, who looks at it, confusion plain on his face.)

MATTHEW: Um, what's this?

JIMMY: That is a court order. As of this moment, you are to cease and desist the unlawful dissemination of works of fiction based on the characters of Jason Edmunds, Trisha Prudhomme de Lodder, and the setting of Hallanburg High itself. (Pause) You're shut down, boy! You infringed on the copyrights!

MATTHEW: (looks stunned) But, Mr. James! Why? (Pause) Is it because Hallanburg High was being hurt by what I was doing, 'cause if it is, I'd never---

JIMMY: (holds up hands, palm out, in front of him) No, no, no! Internet fan fiction, though it might be in violation of the copyright laws, is really good promotion for the shows or books or, in this case, comic books, that are involved. The writers are all big-time fans, who have a keen appreciation for it. (Pause) Besides, it's usually too much trouble to shut it all down.

MATTHEW: That's what I've said all along. But, then, why?

JIMMY: I'm shutting you down because your stuff is just awful! Stuff that you wouldn't want anybody to wipe their noses on! Badly written, badly plotted stuff that you've just shoved yourself right into the middle of. It's terrible, Matthew, just plain terrible. (Pause) As of right now, consider your Internet privileges, here and at home, revoked.

(Just then a bang and a small puff of smoke comes from Matthew's screen. Music--- "Taps" ---plays from it. Matthew looks in horror at the still-smoking screen, then starts to cry, and jumps and runs off into the Break Room. Jimmy looks up at the ceiling.)

JIMMY: Thanks, Joe.

(Joe lowers himself by his rope again)

JOE: Happy to help, Mr. James. That stuff was awful.

JIMMY: Yeah, the guys at Hallanburg High just *hated* it when I had them look it over.

JOE: I suppose Jason and Trisha wouldn't like it that much, sir.

JIMMY: (looks at Joe like he's crazy) Uh, yeah. Making the computer play "Taps" was a nice touch.

JOE: Thought it was appropriate. (Pause) But don't you think that was, maybe, a bit hard on Matthew? I mean, the Internet doesn't do stuff like that.

JIMMY: Not that you know, they don't.

JOE: Oh, I see. (Looks at Jimmy, then speaks in a softer tone of voice.) Part of Area Fifty-One's latest project, isn't it?

JIMMY: Maybe, but I'm, ah, (looks away) not free to talk about it. (Pause, looks back to Joe.) You can go back to work now.

(Joe raises himself up, then lowers himself again)

JOE: Sir, don't you want to know what I'm doing?

JIMMY: Joe, it's hard enough for me to sleep at night knowing what I do already. Don't tell me anything I don't actually need to know.

JOE: Right. I get it. (Grins, and raises himself out of sight.)

(Jane, still where she was, is still scribbling. Daria comes up.)

DARIA: So what do you think of life in my world?

JANE: Well, I thought you were exaggerating at first. But I see that this crowd is nuttier than you said. (shakes her head) Y'know, Daria, all in all this looks like a pretty neat job. This bunch has a high tolerance for deviant behavior. File off your rough edges and you'd be a great fit.

DARIA: Yeah, yeah, tell me what I don't know. The thing is, how do I get out of it?

JANE: You're that sure you want to? I mean, there's no Bing and the Spatula Man here.

(Daria gives Jane an "oh, really?" glare, then goes to the speaker on the wall and turns the sound on. Max is in the booth.)

MAX: ...and the defendant's attorneys offered no explanation for where their client's pants had gone. (Pauses, puts down papers.) Now, on a more personal note, I wish to extend my apologies to Ms. Daria Morgendorffer. She is *not* here as a replacement for me. I was...misinformed. (Sees Daria and Jane watching, and waves.) She is a fine young woman who will go far in whatever field she chooses---unless it's something where you can hear her voice! (Forces laughter) A-ha-ha-hah!

(Daria turns the speaker down)

JANE: You can't judge by just one guy.

(Beth wanders in, looks over at Daria and Jane, and smiles.)

BETH: Aw, isn't that cute?

JANE: Cute?

BETH: High school girls hanging out painting a mural! It's so precious! Let "Big Sister Beth" know if you need any help now, I mean, getting paint and stuff. New York is a big and wild city and it isn't often easy to get things done in it without someone who knows where things are. (Picks up something from her desk and leaves.)

JANE: All right, more than one person. (Mutters) Like I couldn't score paint without her help...

(Daria shrugs and turns the speaker sound up again.)

MAX: ...more on this story later. And now, another personal note. (Leans forward intently, speaks softly.) If Summer Lane is listening right now, please return my jacket and my copy of "Monty Python: All the Words, Volume One." (Pauses, grins at Daria and Jane, then picks up his paper.) And now, the weather! (Shoves a cartridge in; edited together rain and thunder noise is heard. Max speaks over it.) It's sunny today, with temperatures expected to rise into the low nineties...

(Daria turns the speaker off)

DARIA: I have to get out of here.

JANE: No kidding.

DARIA: It's interfering with my plans for the summer.

JANE: Sleep, get up and eat, sleep?

DARIA: The usual. Besides, in three days in town, I've seen enough of New York---and New Yorkers---to last me a lifetime. (Pause) Now what?

JANE: (still scribbling furiously) Just leave that to me I'll do my part.

****

(BREAK ROOM. LATER.)

(Matthew sits at the table, leaning on it with his arms, staring straight ahead. Dave comes in, pours himself a cup of coffee, then sees Matthew and stops.)

DAVE: Matthew! Why so down?

MATTHEW: Aw, I have to give up Hallanburg High.

DAVE: (smiling) Well, it was bound to happen. Cheer up! It's been hours since you lost your Internet connection.

MATTHEW: I know. I know. I just have to let it go. (becomes more animated) But what'll I do now? I've got all this...raging energy for fan fiction rolling around in me.

DAVE: Maybe you could pour it into, y'know, your *real* job?

MATTHEW: No, c'mon, seriously, Dave, what?

(Beth sticks her head in the door.)

BETH: Dave, um, the kindergarten girl and her art chick friend say they finished the mural.

DAVE: You've seen it?

BETH: No, Dave. The art chick hung a sheet over it. Only her and Green Jacket Girl went in and out under it.

DAVE: Well, we'll all see it now. And her name is Daria Morgendorffer.

BETH: (giggles) Yeah, yeah. Really, Dave, I'm looking forward to seeing it. Can't wait to see how they screwed it up. (Leaves)

DAVE: Well, Matthew, pull yourself together, and come take a look at it with us.

(Matthew takes a long deep breath, lets it out, shakes himself, then takes another breath.)

MATTHEW: Okay, I'm ready. 

****

(GROUND FLOOR LOBBY. LATER.)

(The staff and Jimmy have gathered in front of the new mural. We see them, but not the mural. They gaze at it with evident unease.

(We also see other people in the background, as before. This time, some of them glance towards the mural. Reactions vary from unease to shock.)

JOE: Is that what you wanted, Dave?

DAVE: Not...quite.

MATTHEW: It's a little, um, a little raw, isn't it.

JIMMY: Well, intense is more like it. (Pause) Is it just me, or are all of them trying to kill each other?

BETH: (points at the mural) Well, that part with Dave and Lisa *is* pretty funny, I mean, with both of them stabbing each other in the back while kissing their--- (laughs) How did she know?

LISA: It's no more awful than the one with you and Max. I mean, that use of a cheese grater is original, if nothing else...what's that in your other hand?

BETH: I, ah, think it's the Empire State Building.

LISA: And it looks like you're about to---

MATTHEW: (interrupting) I didn't think you could do that with a roll of duct tape.

JOE: Dude. You can do anything with a roll of duct tape.

BETH: What's that Mr. James has in his hands, some kind of gun?

JIMMY: They're, ah, blunderbusses.

JOE: Hey, one's pointed at Dave and one's pointed at Matthew.

(They're silent for a few moments.)

DAVE: Well, that arch over it is, um, nice.

LISA: Yeah, it's sort of post-modern neoclassical. She did a nice job making it look like marble.

DAVE: And the WNYX logo has seldom been, um, drawn so well.

(Pause, as they consider the mural further, in silence. It's only a few seconds before Max becomes the first one to crack under the strain.)

MAX: You see, Mr. James, my original instinct was right. This Daria Morgendorffer is nothing but trouble with a capital "T."

JOE: Yeah, we take her into our lives and she turns around and dumps on us. (Pause, as the others look at him.) I read it in an issue of Hallandale High comics. (The others nod and agree.)

BETH: Yeah, Mr. James, where did you get her from?

JIMMY: Ah, I used to date her high school principal. (sighs) All right, all right, I'll take care of this.

DAVE: Now look. I know this may come as a surprise, but I've got to say that Daria has done everything I've asked her to do. That's more than I can usually say about the rest of you, now, isn't it?

BETH: Oooh, looks like Dave's got himself a new sweetheart.

(The others laugh at this and look at Dave. Dave looks uneasy.)

DAVE: Look, I'm not saying I like this mural.

JOE: Why not? You come off better than us in this.

JIMMY: Yup, it's true.

DAVE: (holds up hands) All right, all right. Believe what you want, but let me handle this myself.

(The others nod and move off, except Jimmy.)

JIMMY: You sure you want to do this? I mean, I brought her here.

DAVE: Yes. Yes, I do.

JIMMY: Okay, then. (Points to mural) What about this wall?

DAVE: I'll take care of that, too.

****

(BULLPEN. LATER.)

(Daria sits at her desk, on the phone. Some of the WNYX staff mill about behind her, looking at her.)

DARIA: No, they just finished looking at it. Bright of you to clear out before. (Pause, listens...chuckles) No, they haven't fired me yet.

(Max approaches her.)

MAX: Witch! Evil, cursed one!

DARIA: Gotta go. (Pause, listens) Yes, it's Max Lewis. (Hangs up the phone, speaks slowly, as if to someone who didn't understand.) No, that would be my sister. I'm Daria.

MAX: Don't try to bluff your way out of this! I know how it works. You pretend to me meek and monotone, and all the while, you're plotting to take my place on the air!

(Dave comes up behind him.)

DAVE: Max, if you don't stop this right now---

MAX: You'll what? Fire me? Hah! (Grins and puts his fists on his hips) I've been fired by the best in the business, buddy! Your threats hold no terror in me. (Suddenly drops to his knees and grabs Dave's legs.) *Please* don't fire me! I'll be good! I'll do whatever you want!

DAVE: Max, get up. Right now. (Max does so) Now, go into the break room, and sit down, and stay there, until I tell you to come out. (Max opens his mouth to speak) No! Not another word until I say so! Now go! (Max meekly heads for the break room.)

DAVE: Ms. Morgendorffer, will you wait in my office for me?

(Daria nods, gets to her feet and leaves. Dave starts to follow her, but sees Matthew, sitting at his desk, staring at his ruined computer.)

DAVE: Matthew?

MATTHEW: It's over. (lets out a long, drawn-out sigh.) I mean, I found something I really enjoyed doing, and... (shrugs, throws his hands up in the air) It's all gone now.

DAVE: But it had to end. (Pause) Look, I'll talk to Mr. James about getting your computer back.

MATTHEW: And I can go on writing Hallanburg High fan fiction?

DAVE: Matthew!

MATTHEW: Sorry, Dave, sorry! (Turns back to his computer as Dave leaves.)

****

(DAVE'S OFFICE. LATER.)

(Daria waits in front of Dave's desk as Dave comes in.)

DAVE: Sorry to keep you waiting. (Goes and sits behind his desk.) Now, Ms. Morgendorffer, I sense that you're unhappy here.

DARIA: That's too mild a word.

DAVE: Is something wrong here?

DARIA: (sighs) Today, I've seen behavior more appropriate to kindergarten recess than a professional radio station. An on-air personality with a severe case of paranoia.

DAVE: Well, Max has his days---

DARIA: A reporter who seems so threatened by my writing ability that she set out to sabotage my attempts to rewrite wire copy.

DAVE: Well, Lisa is very focused on her job---

DARIA: Another person whose function in this office I cannot figure out, but whose duties involve communing with the world by way of Internet fan fiction.

DAVE: Matthew can be, um, uh---

DARIA: A staff technician who spends most of his day dangling from the ceiling for mysterious and unexplained purposes.

DAVE: Joe does get the job done---

DARIA: A supposed secretary who treats me along the lines of "I'm from New York and you're not, so you're scum of the earth."

DAVE: Now, Beth can take her New York attitude to unhealthy extremes, but she's a really decent person---

DARIA: This court is presided over by a billionaire who thinks it's the height of humor to tell everyone he meets why he helped me get this job, but who never tells the same story twice.

DAVE: Well, once you get to know Mr. James, he's quite charming---

DARIA: And all this is ostensibly run by a man who seems unable to make his staff behave, much less do their jobs.

(Dave leans back in his chair.)

DAVE: Well, things *are* a bit strange here from time to time. Often, more often than normal, I admit, I think of chucking it all and going back to my parents in--- (Pause, as something occurs to him.) Wait a minute. I'm thinking that you didn't want this job, that you *never* did.

DARIA: (looks down at her boots) That was my big secret.

DAVE: That you thought if you got your friend to paint an obnoxious mural that you'd get fired because of it. That you and your friend would be back on the bus for Lawndale before your heads stopped spinning.

DARIA: (looks up) She's already been paid, so if you're thinking of canceling the check, I think you should know that my mother's a lawyer---

DAVE: No, no, nothing like that. She can have the money. There's more in the budget and I know just how to take care of it. (Pause, smiles) After all, the arch part of the mural is very, very nice.

DARIA: Oh.

DAVE: (stops smiling) Now, as for you. I think it's best for all that you stay right here. You'll learn what it is we actually do, and learn the radio business in the process. I might even be persuaded to put you on the air.

DARIA: I see you think you've found an appropriate punishment.

DAVE: Well, perhaps two weeks isn't enough time to learn the business. Perhaps I can make a few calls, and see if you can work here all summer!

DARIA: (sighs) No, two weeks is enough. (Pause) Revenge is sweet.

DAVE: (Leans back in his chair, puts his hands behind his head, smiles.) Ahh, it doesn't get any better than this.

****

(BULLPEN. EVENING.)

(Most of the staff has left. Lisa is talking to Dave as she gets ready to leave.)

LISA: So you think she'll work out.

DAVE: Work out, not work out, it's only for a few weeks. (Pause) And don't let me find out that you're not helping her.

LISA: Dave, I did not change her copy.

DAVE: Whatever. (sighs) Maybe this place needs a breath of fresh cynicism. Maybe she'll work out all right after all.

LISA: Quit dreaming, Dave. (Throws her purse over her shoulder and leaves. Dave is about to leave when Daria comes up to him.)

DAVE: Ah! Ms. Morgendorffer! Leaving already?

DARIA: Yes, it seemed appropriate after a ten hour day with no lunch. I skipped lunch to see to the mural.

DAVE: And we appreciate the job you did. (Pause) Ms. Morgendorffer?

DARIA: Yes?

DAVE: I know I may have been a bit harsh, but I know these people. They may seem odd and nasty, but they grow on you, in time.

DARIA: I'm only here for a couple of weeks.

DAVE: (shrugs) That's all it takes.

(They walk out of the now deserted bullpen. Camera pans across towards the door to the break room.)

MAX (O. S.): (softly) Hello? Dave? Anybody? (Pause) I'm still here, Dave, like you said. Dave? I'll be good! Dave!

****

(LOBBY. LATER.)

(Dave and Daria stand at the elevator doors. Dave reaches for and presses the elevator button, and they wait.)

DAVE: Did Lisa really sabotage your writing?

DARIA: Yes and no. I exaggerated for comic effect. (Pause) She made me do it three or four times, and the last time I turned in the one you saw.

DAVE: Yes, that explains it.

DARIA: It was probably her subconscious doing it. She told me to dumb it down, to use small words. (Pause) But I'd heard her on the radio. She wasn't doing it. I didn't see why I should.

DAVE: You listened to WNYX?

DARIA: Well, I was coming to work here.

DAVE: Ah, yes. I'll put you on some more copy rewriting tomorrow, and we'll see what you can do. But, um, tone down the sarcasm, will you?

DARIA: I don't think I can. It's inborn.

DAVE: Do the best you can. (Pause) Then there's the little matter of your friend's, um, evil mural. 

DARIA: Should I get Jane to come in tomorrow and fix it?

DAVE: No, she's done enough for us. Besides, I've already taken care of it. (The elevator doors open and they step in.) Welcome to the jungle, Ms. Morgendorffer. 

(The doors close on them.)

****

(GROUND FLOOR LOBBY. A FEW MINUTES LATER.)

(It's darker now and the place is deserted. We see Dave and Daria walk through and out of camera shot.

****

(The camera pans over to the mural, and we can see it now. The group portrait itself has been partially covered by a WNYX poster, one with a group photo of all the staff, in phony poses. The poster is a little crooked. The edges of the caricatures can be seen, but not the faces. The painted arch with the WNYX logo, which was nicely done and showed no malice, is still there.)

MAX (O. S.): (loudly) Can anybody hear me? I wanna go home!

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DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and the characters and settings from it are the property of MTV Networks / Viacom International. "NewsRadio" and the characters and settings from it are property of Brilstein-Grey Communications / Columbia TriStar Television Distribution (a Sony Pictures Entertainment company).

This parody of "Daria" and "NewsRadio" is copyright © 2000, 2001 by Robert Nowall. It is not intended to profit the author in any way, and may not be distributed without permission of the author. (That means please don't post or circulate this without getting in touch with me first.) For the time being, Robert Nowall can be reached at: RobtNowall@aol.com

Thanks to Medea42, Ben Breeck, Professor Moriarity, and everyone who showed an interest in the (one-day's work I put into the) beta version. Is that the right term? I still think of it as a rough draft...

VERSION 2.0: This consists of a patch job, done because of an error I made in the actual location of the WNYX mural. This happened because I wrote from memory without reviewing the particular episode of "NewsRadio" this derives from. Remember: always check things out.

Written 11/28/00 to 12/5/00. Version 2.0 written 2/7/01.

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